I was listening to Oprah’s interview of David Letterman. He spoke
about being in therapy, thinking he was a good guy, but living a life that was inconsistent
with someone who is a, “good” guy. It occurred to me that, as he has trouble
forgiving himself, I have not forgiven myself for any of the things I’ve done
in my life of which I’m not proud. And conversely, I never thought I was a good
person. It’s the opposite in fact. I always thought I was an evil person because
of my thoughts, and because of things I’ve said or weaknesses I’ve had. There
are many things I’ve done that I’m certainly not proud of. Most of them, if I
had to do it again, I’d probably do it again anyway, because I wanted to, or
because I didn’t know a better way. Or because I was attempting to be funny…and
wasn’t. But as I realize that I’m 43 years old. I can kinda count on 2 hands
the number of big mistakes. I realize that, other than proving I’m human, I’ve
not at all proven that I’m a bad person. I’ve probably done the reverse. I’ll
tell you why. 1) I realize they were weaknesses, or mistakes in judgment. 2) I feel
badly about them. And 3) If I only have about 10 things I can think of in 43
years of living…those are pretty slim odds. Having negative or judgmental
thoughts doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes me a little more “normal” than
I care to admit. I can generally, not 100% of the time, but mostly, curb my
actions before I say something I’ll regret, or do something that I’ll look back
on and think…”hmm, maybe not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.” But, as the
saying goes, “let those among us without sin, cast the first stone.” And, as I’m
always saying, many “rights and wrongs” are purely subjective, or decided upon
by a society that I don’t always agree with.
Anyway. I’ve
concluded that I should, perhaps, forgive myself for not being, “perfect”. And
start, maybe, remembering all the good things I’ve done and said instead of the
bad things.
And PS. If I’ve ever
said something to YOU that hurt or offended you, I sincerely apologize. Yes
you. You know who you are. I haven’t forgotten.
If you've not read my entry on loving yourself...you might appreciate that one too.
