Patience

Patience

 I prayed for patience my whole life. Telling myself the story: I have no patience. I want what i want, when i want it. I've just come to the realization that you can only approach the future with patience OR anxiety (or in other words: with acceptance OR  the intense fear that you can't control the future).  I clearly chose the fear. But if I practice acceptance, in all facets of my life, then i will have achieved my goal to learn patience, and achieved the goal to gain patience at the same time.

I choose to STOP telling myself that I have no patience, and just accept what happens as a gift, and release my hope to control the future. 

And my favorite recent found quote: The best way to predict the future, is to create it. 

Sounds pretty simple right? 

Have you read my blog on Loving Oneself?

Adjusting The Dream

Goals.

I hate goals.

For me, I think of them as just another opportunity to disappoint myself. I know. Not a great way to look at it.

How about adjusting my expectations? Not “settling”. Not “giving up”. But actually saying….”wait a minute. I LIKE this life. I LIKE what I’m doing. So WHAT if I’m not doing all I dreamed of…couldn’t this actually be…BETTER?”

Here’s my dream:

I live in LA.

In a big house, with dogs, a maid, a heated pool, a tennis court, a dance floor, a workout room, a ping pong table, a pool table, a hot tub, and maybe a bowling alley. And friends to visit that I can cook for.

I support this lifestyle by acting in funny, smart, well written, feature films.

Period.

OK.

Here’s the reality:

I live in LA (and New York).

In 2 small apartments with no pets, 2 awesome guys (one in each place. We’ll leave that explanation for another day, just to keep you guessing), friends visit often and…none of the other above, sports-like things. HOWEVER, I DO have access to all of the above. I just don’t have them actually AT my house.

I make lots of funny, smart, well written films. Most are not features. But a lot are written by me, and now starting to be produced by me.

I support this lifestyle by doing massage, some of the above acting, and some investing and generosity.

Uhm…..am I not actually, really, CLOSE?

Am I not actually LIVING my dream, it just looks a little different?

Therefore:

If I can make enough money through investments, passive income (my book sales:

“How To Run Auditions”, available on Amazon and elsewhere), my massage company (healingwithtouch.com, bring chair massage to YOUR office now!), and any other way I can think of. Then I could…wait for it…KEEP DOING WHAT FILMS I WANT TO DO. I don’t even have to audition for other people, or get an agent, or do bulk mailings, or get depressed over the idea that I’m not where I want to be, where I expected to be, where I think I’m supposed to be. No. I can make the films I want to make, write, produce, direct, or hire my phenomenally talented friends (after securing funding, of course) to do any of the above, plus hire extraordinary actors that don’t get a chance to work enough.And not have to depend on others, fate, luck, or anything other than myself to achieve the life I want.

Isn’t that living a better dream? Living the reality and adjusting the dream?

Yeah. I’m gonna stick with that for awhile. See how it plays out.

Advice/questions on learning?

10 years ago I took an intensive course in Hawaii. I hate it. I learned nothing that I had gone there to learn. But, out of the experience, I got a 18 page article I wrote, a 45 minutes solo show, a really good friend, and 1 word of good advice. On the last day, our teacher said to all of us, "When you go home to your loved ones, don't immediately break up with them because you've had an experience that they didn't have. They can't understand what you've just been through."

That was really good advice. And if you expand it, it works for a lot of situations. How many couples have broken up because, "I've changed, and they didn't change the same way."

I remember when I was 18, my boyfriend and I went off to different schools. There was no Skype, no cell phones, no digital cameras. We barely had phone access. I made him take a ton of photos of every person and every place he'd mention so I could picture it as he talked to me, or wrote to me. I didn't want us to break up because I had no frame of reference.

Every year, twice a year, I go to the Maine Media Workshop in Rockport, Maine to be an Actor-In-Residence. I go by myself, with friends, and finally last year, I got my boyfriend to go take a class at the same time. Every time I come home, I have PMD: Post Maine Depression. I have been doing nothing but acting, eating, creating, and having fun for a week. And then I have to go home to the real world and attempt to explain to people why I love it up there so much. I feel part of a community. I feel like a contributing valuable member of their society. I have nothing to do but relax and act on film for a week. So yeah, I come home, and want to break up. Every time. So it's great that my boyfriend came last year. Within a day he said, "yeah, I get it. I know why you love it here and keep coming back." I love taking friends there that come home and say, "that totally changed my life. And things will never be the same." It gives me more people in my life that have my frame of reference. It sounds like a cult! But it's just a really great, supportive, smart place to make photos and films.

Maine yin/yang

I've done a great deal of self help work in my life. I'm not perfect. Maybe I should stop trying to be perfect. But I won't stop reflecting, learning, and attempting to be the best person I can. I fail miserably sometimes at that, and I have a tough time forgiving myself. But at least I work on it.

Rockport harbor sunrise

Over the years, I've learned some communication tools, some coping mechanisms, some understandings. I constantly try to apply these skills when dealing with people. Sometimes it works, because they have a similar skill set. And sometimes, it doesn't. It only points out more differences between us. Along the way, I've lost friends and family because...I had an experience that they didn't. Does a person break up with members of their family because the person's had a learning experience that their family hasn't? Because suddenly, it's noticeable that their family doesn't take their feelings into consideration? Or do they except their family and friends for being the same people they always were? They their family/friends haven't changed, but YOU did?

I don't have answers. I have questions. But I know that I can't have an amazing experience, and then break up with everyone around me. At least, not right away, for the wrong reasons. So be careful on your learning journeys! Be patient. And please, remind me to be the same along the way. And...breathe.

loving oneself?

OK, I need your help on this one. Comments are very welcome.

For years, I've heard the pop psychology phrase:
"You have to love yourself".But honestly, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I didn't know how.
 About 6 months ago I had a little epiphany. I could, at least, be lovING to myself. I'm loving to others. I love others. I know how to do that. And I was certainly NOT doing that for myself. I don't think most people I know are treating themselves well. I do something that doesn't go well, and I call myself names. I disappoint myself because I'm not perfect, and can't forgive myself. I make the same mistake twice and I go into a downward spiral of a prediction of a dismal future. Do I expect perfection out of others? No. Would I EVER call any of my beloved friends a bad name because they had a brief moment of forgetfulness? Never. In fact, I get upset seeing my amazing, beautiful, kind, funny, talented friends call themselves, "stupid, fat, lazy, etc.". They are not any of those things. They are human, like me.
 The jury is still out on whether or not I can love myself. I kinda feel like, "I'm here, deal with it." and I just don't have a choice about that. But I do have a choice what I say to myself.
  My friend, Nancy, on the first night I met her, told me that thoughts either help you or hurt you. And if they hurt you...drop them like their hot. And I do...95% of the time.
 Treat myself as I would expect any good friend to treat me. Be loving. So I challenge you to be loving to yourself. It's a start right?

love you. Tamar