Monday, September 24, 2018

#whyididntreport


#whyididntreport

High school: I only told my mom. But she didn’t suggest I tell others.  I was embarrassed.

Because I figured you kiss a lot of frogs before finding a prince.

Because I was manipulated so badly, I thought it was partially my fault. Many times.

Because it was my roommate’s boyfriend and didn’t want her to know. She'd be mad at me.

Because I didn’t know it was a crime. Just a jerk.

Because I stopped him from raping me. So I thought “nothing” happened.

Because I didn’t know who to tell. Many times.

Because I was mortified.

I called the police, but the police didn’t find them.

Because it happened so fast I couldn’t even process what happened.

Because it happened to my friend, and she didn’t call it “rape”. So it wasn’t my story to tell.

I told our mutual friend, and he told me to stay away from him. End of story.

Because this “first” felt like a violation. I didn’t know how it “should” feel.

#jamestoback Because it was just a “conversation”. I was lucky to never be alone with him.

Because I thought my situation was unique. It didn’t occur to me he was doing this to many others.

These are not hypothetical. These are mine. What are yours?

Friday, July 6, 2018

Why Women Have Meetings in Hotel Rooms and Other Paradoxes of Acting


The other day I was having a conversation with a regular person. A muggle. A real person. You know, not an actor. And he said, “I don’t understand the Harvey Weinstein thing, how is he having, ‘meetings’ with women in his hotel room? Who thinks that’s ok?” So I explained that a lot of business is done during festivals, events, awards, shoots. That’s when you meet people. I can’t audition for a film in a loud, public place like the hotel lobby lounge. You end up going to people’s hotel rooms. And no warning bells go off. Because this is normal. Often these are last minute invites. And you would never bring a friend, or bodyguard to an audition. It would seem you didn’t trust the person who invited you, and you’d seem unprofessional. I know that sounds completely insane to a “normal” person. But it’s true. I hope that is all changing. But there are or were a lot of things in the world of being an unemployed (or even often employed) actress that seemed, “normal” for many years.

Have you seen the original movie, “Fame” from 1980? Do you remember the scene of Coco (played by Irene Cara) having the audition where they ask her to take her shirt off? She resists, they insist, intimidate her, and, on tape, they watch her completely strip down, while crying. She is humiliated, and yet, she still does it, because you don’t say, “no” at an audition. You might think that scene would never happen in real life. But it happened all the time.

In fact, I had a whole series of experiences that I’m guessing would shock people who were never actresses.

  • Many times, guys would come up to me on the street, ask if I’m an actress, and give me their card stating they were a producer/director/agent. Those cards go in the trash. NO ONE finds talent that way. But if it didn’t work, they wouldn’t be doing it.
  • I had several auditions that I thought the address was taking me to an office, but they were people’s apartments. You don’t know who’s there, you don’t have friends with you, and you just hope there are other actresses there too.
  • I had interviews with several agencies that would say, “We love you, we want to represent you…you just need new photos and you need to go to MY guy to take them.” Those are illegal scams. Some took my money. One actually got me jobs and then never paid me (small claims court). One yelled at me when I turned down a nude photo shoot audition.
  • I had an audition for something that when I got there, they asked if I had a bathing suit with me (who carries a bathing suit, especially in New York City) and said they needed to see my body, and a bra and undies was fine. I’m sure they were just videotaping women all day changing clothes and in various stages of dress. To be honest, I think I did it. And of course never heard from them again.
  • I was freelancing with a famous agent (female) who would hire women to be at parties for corporate events. We didn’t have to kiss or touch anyone, but we were instructed to look sexy and flirt with all the men. I did one or 2 gigs, but flirting with 50 year old men when I was 25 was not my cup-of-tea.
  • I somehow made friends with an old press agent. He would take me to dinners and parties and introduce me to show biz folks. I’m sure he thought at some point I’d sleep with him or someone. I wouldn’t even hug them. I just remember having this conversation with him:
Tamar: I really want to be on Saturday Night Live.
PA: They only hire Unknowns.
Tamar: I’m unknown.
PA: You’re not successful enough to be an Unknown.
  • I do remember at some point, after years of this crap, having an interview with an agent in a weird place and they said it would cost me money to join them, and instead of being polite, I finally found my voice, stood up, told them they were a scam artist and walked out. I never stayed in an awkward situation ever again. At least professionally.
  • I also had a whole afternoon conversation (very luckily in public the whole time) with James Toback. I turned that into a short play, “The Seduction”. He had his whole pitch DOWN! Including carrying his birth certificate in his wallet to prove he was James Toback. He took me to the nearby Applause Bookstore on West 71st St. (no longer there, and this was before cell phones) to show me his listing in, “The Who’s Who of the Film Business”. Talk about being intimidating. The things he said to me would probably make a stripper blush. He suggested we go to a hotel for 48 hours. I did not go. If I had…would I be famous? Probably not. But he sure made a good case for it.

I could go on and on. The number of odd situations that you find yourself in is endless. There are a ton of eccentric people that suddenly decide to make movies. And a ton of scam artists that realize that young women are so desperate to get their big break that they can convince them to do almost anything if they think it’ll lead to a role in a film or tv show. And since there are no real guidelines, no HR department, no union rep for non-union jobs, and no chaperones, these people get away with a ton of sketchy stuff.

If I wanted, I could go into the whole lineup of guys who’ve also sexually harassed me. Manipulated me into extremely uncomfortable situations in every way in countless places. From Grand Central Station to my own apartment. Conversations that start out flattering will suddenly turn to, “I’m not leaving until you…” and then you start negotiating with them. It’s a lose lose situation. I always felt I had to kiss a lot of lots of frogs before finding my prince. Were these punishable offenses? I have no idea. Who would I have reported them to? There was no internet. Could I call the police and say, “this guy grabbed my boob and got on top of me, but I grabbed his hair and threw him across the room so he left.” I don’t think so. Although the time that a bunch of kids riding their bikes on the sidewalk grabbed up my butt so much that it lifted me up off the ground and they kept riding, I did call the police. Just to feel like I’d done SOMETHING.

I wish I was leading to something. An answer. A solution. A promise. But there isn’t one. We just need to talk to each other. Tell someone. When crap like this happens, spread the word. It is NOT an isolated incident. It’s not your fault. It’s not acceptable. Also, take self-defense class. Don’t walk around in an unaware (drunk, looking at your phone, in shoes you can’t run in, on dark back streets late at night) state. If you have auditions or interviews in odd places, bring a friend. At this point, you don’t need an excuse to have someone with you. And if someone asks you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, don’t do it. Period. End of story.



Thursday, February 1, 2018

Puerto Rico Jan 2018

A few weeks ago my boyfriend and I were in Puerto Rico for my cousin’s wedding. And everyone has been asking me the same questions I was asking her, prior to our going.
Is PR still there?
Can they still have a wedding?
How is the island doing?
Etc.

Hearing reports on the news is not the same as going there and talking to the people to hear their stories. We were in Puerto Rico for 4 nights. We talked to every cab and Uber driver, and every person we met along the way. And let me start by saying that everyone was incredibly nice, generous, strong, resilient, and hopeful. All qualities that I can’t imagine I would have in the same situation as them. They were all inspiring.

Flying in, you can see tons of homes covered in blue FEMA tarps where the roofs are very damaged. So you start to see the effects of the hurricanes before you even land.

As of Jan 11th, 30-40% of the island still didn’t have power. But what the news doesn’t say, is that even the parts that have power, don’t have it consistently. The power grids become overloaded very quickly as they are repairing them. So people would get power for a few days, then off a few days, or hours, etc. So they couldn’t depend on it.

Evidently, the US government approved the rebuilding of the original infrastructure, but not improvements. So instead of making a more stable power grid, or burying the power lines, they can only put them back up the way they were, which seems counter-intuitive for the future.

The rain forest is still not open for tourism. But the wedding was in the rain forest (and yes, we got rained out of having the ceremony outdoors) and driving through the hills, you see that all the houses have no power, and all the power lines are falling down. I was actually shocked that we, in large busses, were allowed to drive through at all. The place where the wedding was, Hacienda Siesta Alegre was running on a generator. It’s a beautiful place, high upon the hill. I don’t know what it was like before the hurricanes, but the roof was so damaged (not enough for a FEMA blue tarp though) that shelter from the rain was challenging, since it was still raining on us inside.

Tourism is still up and flourishing. The cruise ships never stopped coming, which was a big blessing to PR. However, the increase in the number of ships has been a challenge for the tiny island, already crowded in the Old San Juan area. We were told that normally, there are always 3 cruise ships there. The max was 6. And the week after we left, Marti Gras there, they were expecting 12. We could not MOVE in our Uber in the area, so I can’t imagine there being 9 more ships there at once. But they’re very grateful for the business, because it’s the only thing keeping them going. One driver said that right after the hurricane, drivers would sit at the airport for sometimes 12 hours just hoping to get even one ride during the day.

Driving around the island was definitely a challenge. Almost all of the stop lights were out. So cars have to use the honor system to merge and turn. Very slow process, but they’re certainly used to it after 4 months. I will say, Uber is not welcomed there by cab drivers (understandable) and since the hotels have agreements with the cab companies, you can’t call an Uber at the hotel. You have to walk a few blocks away. And if you’re too close, the cab drivers start screaming at you. Our Uber got EGGED by a cab driver. And our driver didn’t even flinch. And, how’s this for synchronicity, when we called an Uber home maybe 6 hours later…we had the same driver.

We had a discussion with people about Puerto Rico becoming a state. They said it might have been more likely before the hurricanes. But with most of the natural resources being destroyed, it wouldn’t be financially beneficial to mainland USA for PR to be accepted as a state. So their chances lessened, just when they needed it the most. A huge percentage of pharmaceuticals and IV drips are produced in PR. And now that the plants have been damaged, the US is running extremely low on necessary supplies. Ask any hospital. And yet, our government doesn’t seem to understand the value, or basic decency of helping our territory. They think they’re doing a great job of getting things back to normal. But there will never be a return to normal. Only a new normal. And think about how YOU would feel without phone, TV, a computer, internet, or a refrigerator for 4 months or more. I don’t think anyone could work fast enough.


My hats and heart go out to you Puerto Rico. Thank you for letting me visit.